The Real Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And was like “Dude! Really? Who puts a well at the at the top of a hill? I mean COME ON. What’s a boy gotta do to get indoor plumbing?!?.

Little Father Duck

by Katrina

Little Father Duck
Come kiss your pig.
Though you are small
And I am big.
You’ll marry me
It’s meant to be.
Someday we’ll have
A duck-piggy.

Nilly Jo-Peep, and her hidden sheep.

Nilly Jo-Peep

by Father Duck

Nilly Jo-Peep has lost her sheep,
And doesn’t know where they went.
She’s awfully dumb,
They’re under her bum,
Someone should give her a hint.

In his Junior year attending Rhyming UniNursery, Father Duck met an enchanting pig named Katrina. He immediately fell in love. Following is a poem and illustration Father Duck created for a valentine to win the heart of his divine swine.

Father Duck and his beloved Katrina

Valenswine

by Father Duck

The rose is red, the violet’s blue,
The skunk doth stink, and so do you.
I’ll plug my nose, if you’ll be mine
Won’t thou be my Valenswine?

Thy pudgy face, it’s got me shaken,
Thou art so hot, you should be bacon.
I’ll love you forever, my dear pork rind,
Won’t thou be my Valenswine?

Sadly, Katrina squealed and waddled wee wee wee wee all the way home, leaving Father Duck heart broken andwondering “where did I go wrong?”

Oh Bob. You and your breathe. Bob, one of Father Duck’s classmates at Rhyming Uninursery, had a strange hunger for onions. Father Duck wrote this poem in hopes that Bob would take note and fix his problem. Mother Goose would later steal his idea, adapting it for Jack Be Nimble.

Bob Be Hungry

Bob Be Hungry

By Father Duck

Bob be hungry,
Bob be dense,
Bob ate onions
And now needs mints.

Before there was Mary and her little lamb, Father Duck told the tale of Larry, and his giant pig. A cautionary tale of the dangers of taking your pet pig to school.

Larry riding his pig.

Larry Had a Giant Pig

By Father Duck

Larry had a giant pig,
Its butt was fat and wide;
And everywhere that Larry went,
The pig gave him a ride.

He rode him to school one day,
Which wasn’t very cool.
For when he went to lunch.
They fed him to the school.

Three Blind Mice? I think not. Try Tone Deaf Ducks. Tone Deaf Ducks is a rhyme Father Duck wrote about his three uncles: Bob, Jose and Marty. The Three ducks formed a barber shop quartet along with future Men Without Hat’s front man Ivan Doroschuk. Ivan left the group after a dancing incident in which he broke his arm caught between Jose doing the Cabbage Patch and Marty doing the Running Duck. He would go on to write the song The Safety Dance to encourage the trio to calm their violent dancing ways.

Mother Goose would later “borrow” Father Duck’s poem and rewrite it about less violently dancing and less horribly singing visually impaired mice. Sadly Bob, Jose and Marty have been all but forgotten. On a brighter note, they still sing as horrible as ever and are planning a comeback.

Tone Deaf Ducks

By Father Duck

Tone deaf ducks. Tone deaf ducks.
Hear how they quack. Hear how they quack.
They sing out of tune and miss every note,
Their voices a cross of a frog and a goat,
Did you know such a sound could come out the throat,
Of tone deaf ducks.

Tone Deaf Ducks

Little Jack Horner was never intended to be a good boy. How can the simple act of sticking your thumb in a pie categorize you as a “good boy.” As far as I’m concerned, sticking your thumb in a pie categorizes you as  ”not so bright boy.”

Originally written by Father Duck with the title Little Jack Hornest, it was a cautionary Nursery Rhyme about bears and the dangers of sticking your thumb in their éclair. 

Little Jack Hornest

By Father Duck 

Little Jack Hornest,
Sat in the forest,
Eating a honey éclair;
He put in his thumb,
Then thought “man I’m dumb,”
For it really belonged to a bear.

Little Jack Hornest

Humpty Dumpty

The Life and Adventures of Jeff Duckworth is proud to present to you Father Duck. What? Never heard of Father Duck? Not many people have. He is Mother’s Goose’s cousin and a brilliant Nursery Rhymer in his own right. As a matter of fact, many of Mother Goose’s Rhymes were taken directly from Father Duck…Humpty Dumpty for example. Below is the original, pre Mother Goose version written by Father Duck.

Humpty Dumpty

By Father Duck

Kings Horses and Men Eating Eggs